The wife says to her husband, "Please, take my bra off." "OK", says the husband. The wife says, "And please take my panties off." "OK", says the husband. The wife says, "And please, don't wear my things again."
-Want Comedy?
Friday, April 4, 2008
Thursday, April 3, 2008
A Lawyers Favorite Lawyer Jokes
-http://www.conradarticledirectory.com/article12899.html
Lawyer JokesQ: How does a pregnant woman know she is carrying a future lawyer?A: She has an extreme craving for baloney.Q: What is the legal definition of “Appeal”?A: Something a person slips on in a grocery store.Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?A: To practice.Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 12?A: Your Honor.Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?A: The lawyer charges more.Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?A: The caterer.Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one.Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?A: An offer you can't understand.Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?A: SenatorQ: Did you hear they just released a new Barbie doll called "Divorced Barbie"?A: It comes with half of Ken's things and alimony.Q: What's the difference between an attorney and a pit bull?A: Jewelry.Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?A: Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your new Ferrari.Q: What’s the difference between lawyers and accountants?A: At least accountants know they’re boring.Stories:1. A man who had been caught embezzling millions went to a lawyer. His lawyer told him, "Don’t worry. You’ll never go to jail with all that money? In fact, when the man was sent to prison, he didn’t have a dime.2. As the lawyer awoke from surgery, he asked, "Why are all the blinds drawn?" The nurse answered, "There's a fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think you had died."3. God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. Satan heard this, laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"4. A lawyer is sitting at the desk in his new office. He hears someone coming to the door. To impress his first potential client, he picks up the phone as the door opens and says, "I demand one million and not a penny less." As he hangs up, the man now standing in his office says, "I'm here to hook up your phone."And finally:You Might Be A Lawyer If.... You are charging someone to read these jokes. About the Author Richard Chapo is with SanDiegoBusinessLawFirm.com - Go to our article section to read more business law articles.
Lawyer JokesQ: How does a pregnant woman know she is carrying a future lawyer?A: She has an extreme craving for baloney.Q: What is the legal definition of “Appeal”?A: Something a person slips on in a grocery store.Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?A: To practice.Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 12?A: Your Honor.Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?A: The lawyer charges more.Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?A: The caterer.Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one.Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?A: An offer you can't understand.Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?A: SenatorQ: Did you hear they just released a new Barbie doll called "Divorced Barbie"?A: It comes with half of Ken's things and alimony.Q: What's the difference between an attorney and a pit bull?A: Jewelry.Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?A: Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your new Ferrari.Q: What’s the difference between lawyers and accountants?A: At least accountants know they’re boring.Stories:1. A man who had been caught embezzling millions went to a lawyer. His lawyer told him, "Don’t worry. You’ll never go to jail with all that money? In fact, when the man was sent to prison, he didn’t have a dime.2. As the lawyer awoke from surgery, he asked, "Why are all the blinds drawn?" The nurse answered, "There's a fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think you had died."3. God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. Satan heard this, laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"4. A lawyer is sitting at the desk in his new office. He hears someone coming to the door. To impress his first potential client, he picks up the phone as the door opens and says, "I demand one million and not a penny less." As he hangs up, the man now standing in his office says, "I'm here to hook up your phone."And finally:You Might Be A Lawyer If.... You are charging someone to read these jokes. About the Author Richard Chapo is with SanDiegoBusinessLawFirm.com - Go to our article section to read more business law articles.
A dog's guide to... Getting Your Dog to Stop Barking
- http://www.conradarticledirectory.com/article12894.html
I like to bark. I mean, I like to bark A LOT. So, whattya gonna do about it? Well, if you’re Amber and Terry, you’re going to do NOTHING about it. Ain’t nobody going to silence the Rubinman, you know what I’m sayin’? If you’re NOT Amber and Terry, though (i.e. you’re smart) and you want to know how to get your dog to just freakin’ shut up once in a while, here’s what you need to know…Why is your dog barking?I’ll be honest here: I bark because I like it. And because it gets me some attention. I’m all about the attention. Now, you coulda probably guessed about the attention thing, but the fact that we actually ENJOY it? Who knew?It’s true, though. Sometimes I just get a kick out of it. It’s like, I start barking because I’m excited, and then after a while I’m all, “hey! This totally rocks!” So I bark some more. And then some more after that. Then I finish up with a quick round of barking. Sometimes I come back for an encore. The truth is, by this time, like Justin Timberlake, I’m lovin’ it. So, how’re you gonna stop me? (Clue: you’re not. You’ll NEVER stop the Rubinman. But you know what I mean.)Well, if you want to stop a dog that’s barking just for the hell of it, you’re gonna hafta get clever. Cleverer than Amber and Terry. Whatever you do, DON’T shout at me. You want to know what I think when you shout at me while I’m barking? I think, “Coooool! They’re totally barking with me! This SO rocks!” Ha! Amateurs!No, what you need to do is, you need to distract me. You could play with me. You could feed me. (Actually, you should totally feed me. That’s the best thing to do. End of article.) But it’s better if you TRAIN me. Uh-huh. TRAIN ME. Now, I know what y’all are thinking. You’re all, “But the Rubinman is cleverer than me! I’d NEVER train him!” Well, you’re right. You totally wouldn’t. But if you have a NORMAL dog, you can train it. Mebbe. I am what’s called “clicker trained.” Clicker training is when you, like, get this CLICKY thing and get your dog to believe that if the thing clicks, something good happens. Could be a goodboy. Could be a big cuddle. (Note: the Rubinman is NOT a sissy. But a cuddle can be nice). Could be playing with your toys. Whatever it is, it’s GOOD. The clicker is power, and once ya got power over the dog, you’re the boss of it.* If you’re REALLY clever, you can teach your mutt to bark on command, and then stop barking on command too, using the clicker. That’s probably too advanced for you lot, though, so…Understand why YOUR dog is barkingSo, yeah, now you know why the Rubinman barks. It’s important to know why YOUR dog barks, though. Here are some possible reasons:·He is bored.·He is scared. (I mean, I’m NEVER scared, but then I WAS raised by wolves…)·He is lonely.·He has seen the postman. ·Little Timmy is stuck down a well and your dog wants to lead you to that well, rescue little Timmy and get a reward. I’ll tell ya, that happens to me a LOT.Soooooo many reasons for barking there. First thing you need to do is, you need to find out which reason is the right one. I’ll be honest here: it’s probably the postman. A word about the postmanMost so-called “exerts” will tell you that your dog barks when he sees the postman because the postman is intruding on your property and the dog can’t tell the difference between “friend” and “foe.” What a lot of crap experts talk, no? If I talked crap like that, man, I’d be ashamed to call myself the Rubinman, I really would.As any dog will tell you, we bark at the postman because we hate that sucker. In the wild, postmen are our natural enemies. Walking up our driveway day after day. Stuffing things through our door. Ringing the bell. I mean, honestly, do YOU think that’s acceptable behaviour? Stopping the barkingYou ain’t never gonna stop the “me against the postman” mentality. All you can do, really, is bribe your dog to stay quiet. Remember: we have no morals. (I mean, we sniff other dog’s butts IN THE STREET, do we look like we’d turn up our noses at a spot of bribery?) We won’t be offended if you bribe us.Now, I’m not saying you should always bribe us with chocolate goodboys. (I totally AM saying that, by the way). I’m just saying the best way to get us to behave is to reward us handsomely when we behave ourselves. Goodboys. Cuddles. Rubbing our furry bellies. Do this and we will stop barking. Mebbe. * Amber and Terry, obviously, are NOT the boss of me, though. No one’s the boss of me. About the Author Rubin is a wolf in Bichon Frise's clothing. Read his blog at http://www.rubinman.co.uk
I like to bark. I mean, I like to bark A LOT. So, whattya gonna do about it? Well, if you’re Amber and Terry, you’re going to do NOTHING about it. Ain’t nobody going to silence the Rubinman, you know what I’m sayin’? If you’re NOT Amber and Terry, though (i.e. you’re smart) and you want to know how to get your dog to just freakin’ shut up once in a while, here’s what you need to know…Why is your dog barking?I’ll be honest here: I bark because I like it. And because it gets me some attention. I’m all about the attention. Now, you coulda probably guessed about the attention thing, but the fact that we actually ENJOY it? Who knew?It’s true, though. Sometimes I just get a kick out of it. It’s like, I start barking because I’m excited, and then after a while I’m all, “hey! This totally rocks!” So I bark some more. And then some more after that. Then I finish up with a quick round of barking. Sometimes I come back for an encore. The truth is, by this time, like Justin Timberlake, I’m lovin’ it. So, how’re you gonna stop me? (Clue: you’re not. You’ll NEVER stop the Rubinman. But you know what I mean.)Well, if you want to stop a dog that’s barking just for the hell of it, you’re gonna hafta get clever. Cleverer than Amber and Terry. Whatever you do, DON’T shout at me. You want to know what I think when you shout at me while I’m barking? I think, “Coooool! They’re totally barking with me! This SO rocks!” Ha! Amateurs!No, what you need to do is, you need to distract me. You could play with me. You could feed me. (Actually, you should totally feed me. That’s the best thing to do. End of article.) But it’s better if you TRAIN me. Uh-huh. TRAIN ME. Now, I know what y’all are thinking. You’re all, “But the Rubinman is cleverer than me! I’d NEVER train him!” Well, you’re right. You totally wouldn’t. But if you have a NORMAL dog, you can train it. Mebbe. I am what’s called “clicker trained.” Clicker training is when you, like, get this CLICKY thing and get your dog to believe that if the thing clicks, something good happens. Could be a goodboy. Could be a big cuddle. (Note: the Rubinman is NOT a sissy. But a cuddle can be nice). Could be playing with your toys. Whatever it is, it’s GOOD. The clicker is power, and once ya got power over the dog, you’re the boss of it.* If you’re REALLY clever, you can teach your mutt to bark on command, and then stop barking on command too, using the clicker. That’s probably too advanced for you lot, though, so…Understand why YOUR dog is barkingSo, yeah, now you know why the Rubinman barks. It’s important to know why YOUR dog barks, though. Here are some possible reasons:·He is bored.·He is scared. (I mean, I’m NEVER scared, but then I WAS raised by wolves…)·He is lonely.·He has seen the postman. ·Little Timmy is stuck down a well and your dog wants to lead you to that well, rescue little Timmy and get a reward. I’ll tell ya, that happens to me a LOT.Soooooo many reasons for barking there. First thing you need to do is, you need to find out which reason is the right one. I’ll be honest here: it’s probably the postman. A word about the postmanMost so-called “exerts” will tell you that your dog barks when he sees the postman because the postman is intruding on your property and the dog can’t tell the difference between “friend” and “foe.” What a lot of crap experts talk, no? If I talked crap like that, man, I’d be ashamed to call myself the Rubinman, I really would.As any dog will tell you, we bark at the postman because we hate that sucker. In the wild, postmen are our natural enemies. Walking up our driveway day after day. Stuffing things through our door. Ringing the bell. I mean, honestly, do YOU think that’s acceptable behaviour? Stopping the barkingYou ain’t never gonna stop the “me against the postman” mentality. All you can do, really, is bribe your dog to stay quiet. Remember: we have no morals. (I mean, we sniff other dog’s butts IN THE STREET, do we look like we’d turn up our noses at a spot of bribery?) We won’t be offended if you bribe us.Now, I’m not saying you should always bribe us with chocolate goodboys. (I totally AM saying that, by the way). I’m just saying the best way to get us to behave is to reward us handsomely when we behave ourselves. Goodboys. Cuddles. Rubbing our furry bellies. Do this and we will stop barking. Mebbe. * Amber and Terry, obviously, are NOT the boss of me, though. No one’s the boss of me. About the Author Rubin is a wolf in Bichon Frise's clothing. Read his blog at http://www.rubinman.co.uk
50 Ways to Say No To Sex and 50 Ways to Get Around Them
- http://www.conradarticledirectory.com/article12892.html
There's a lot of stupid assed speakers and such in my school that come and talk to us about sex and saying no.Bullshit I say,they hand out papers with 50 ways to say no to sex.Being the nice guy I am I came up with 1 way to get around each of those sayings.Some of these were actually taken from the paper given.They're fucking retarded.So without further bullshit...50 Ways to Say No to Sex and 50 ways to get around them.1."I just had my hair done"-Giving me a blow job won't mess your hair up at all.2."I don't feel good."-You know they say eating penis helps with sickness.3."I don't want to get pregnant."-You can't get pregnant from a little anal.4."Don't you respect me?"-I'll do more than respect you if you'll spread em.5."No."-Ok,you might want to just punch her and rape for this one.6."I want my first time to be special."-We can break out the furry handcuffs if that'll suit you.7."I want to wait until I'm married."-Good one,married couples don't fuck.8."I'm not attracted to you like that."-Would you like another beer?9."I don't want an STD"-Trust me,I don't have a green dick.10."Go to hell"-I will after I go to heaven,that is if you'll take me there.11."I have to take a shower."-Awesome,you know how to have fun.12."My mother would kill me."-Fine,I'll bang her too so she don't get jealous.13."I have a boyfriend,he'll be mad."-Your boyfriend is cheating on you.I know it hurts to hear,but I can make it all better.14."If you loved me you'd wait until I was ready."-No,if you loved me you'd do anything for me.15."We can have fun without having sex."-Yes,I could have fun without playing hockey,but that don't stop me from playing it.16."This isn't the right place."-Ok,my house isn't far away.17."I have things to do."-Yeah...I'm waiting.18."I have a headache."-I have Advil.I'll be ready in about 20 minutes.19."Isn't this a bad place to do it?"-Now what's wrong with a little sex in the McDonalds cooler now and then?20."My car needs washed."-Oh good,I've never had sex in an automatic car wash before.21."I'd feel slutty"-So,you probably should.22."I'm tired."-Ok,get a power nap and I'll watch TV till you get back.23."I have to take my clothes to the laundromat."Well aren't you going to need something fun to do while they wash?24."I'm meeting my friends tonight for dinner.I have to go."-Hmm...are your friends attractive?25."Sorry bye!*leaves*"-*Catches with rope.*You know the drill.26."Sorry I'm meeting the Epic tonight."-Ok,there really is nothing that will keep a woman from seeing me.27."I would much rather go out for dinner."-Ok,how about after that?28."Can't we do something else?"-Yes,but that's not the point.29."My favorite TV show is on."-You have Tivo bitch.30."I'm hunrgy."-How about eating a really big wiener?31."I have too much respect for myself to have sex at an early age."-I respect you enough to want in your pants.That deserves something.32."There's a good movie playing tonight."-Yeah,a nice dark place.Sounds kinky.33."No I hate you."-Well you can hate me and punish my peter any day of the week.34."I'm not in the mood."-Would you like a beer?35."Mommy,the strange man is scaring me."-Listen I have Jolly Ranchers,just get in the god damned van.36."I'm late for work."-Well since you're already in trouble you may as well have fun before you get yelled at.37."What do you think I am,some cheap slut?"-Ok maybe 10 was a little low,how about 100?38."I just took a shower."-But I bet you didn't take a golden shower.39."I appriciate dinner,but that doesn't mean I'll have sex with you."-Waiter,seperate checks please.40."Hold on,I have a phone call."-That's why they invented voicemail.41."Aren't you the kid that had his ass duct taped in the 11th grade?"-How'd you like to be the girl that got her ass taped into by *insert full name here*?42."I'm a nun."-(Ok,why you'd hit on a nun evades me,but oh well.)43."It's that time of the month."-...god damn it.44."I'm old enough to be your grandmother."-But you're not my grandmother so it's all good.45."What if my daughter walks in?"-I'm thinking we can keep this all in the family.46."Those people will be able to see us."-Oh,an audience.47."I don't want you to think I'm easy."-I don't care if you are,you're making my penis hard.48."Lets go golfing instead."-If we get lost in the wood I'll let you wash my balls.(I can't turn down a round of golf.)49."All you men care about is sex."-That's right,all of my caring is spent towards you.Don't you love me?50."I'm lesbien."-Turn off the lights,there will be no difference between me and the strap on.There you are.50 ways you'll be having sex in no time.These are not guarenteed to work,but how could they not?I may come out with another one of these,I don't know yet. About the Author The Epic is the owner of a personal site called the Epic Zone.You can visit by going to theepiczone.com.Feel free to use this article on a site or in a newsletter,but make sure to link to theepiczone.com and give proper credit.You can contact The Epic at theepic@theepiczone.com
There's a lot of stupid assed speakers and such in my school that come and talk to us about sex and saying no.Bullshit I say,they hand out papers with 50 ways to say no to sex.Being the nice guy I am I came up with 1 way to get around each of those sayings.Some of these were actually taken from the paper given.They're fucking retarded.So without further bullshit...50 Ways to Say No to Sex and 50 ways to get around them.1."I just had my hair done"-Giving me a blow job won't mess your hair up at all.2."I don't feel good."-You know they say eating penis helps with sickness.3."I don't want to get pregnant."-You can't get pregnant from a little anal.4."Don't you respect me?"-I'll do more than respect you if you'll spread em.5."No."-Ok,you might want to just punch her and rape for this one.6."I want my first time to be special."-We can break out the furry handcuffs if that'll suit you.7."I want to wait until I'm married."-Good one,married couples don't fuck.8."I'm not attracted to you like that."-Would you like another beer?9."I don't want an STD"-Trust me,I don't have a green dick.10."Go to hell"-I will after I go to heaven,that is if you'll take me there.11."I have to take a shower."-Awesome,you know how to have fun.12."My mother would kill me."-Fine,I'll bang her too so she don't get jealous.13."I have a boyfriend,he'll be mad."-Your boyfriend is cheating on you.I know it hurts to hear,but I can make it all better.14."If you loved me you'd wait until I was ready."-No,if you loved me you'd do anything for me.15."We can have fun without having sex."-Yes,I could have fun without playing hockey,but that don't stop me from playing it.16."This isn't the right place."-Ok,my house isn't far away.17."I have things to do."-Yeah...I'm waiting.18."I have a headache."-I have Advil.I'll be ready in about 20 minutes.19."Isn't this a bad place to do it?"-Now what's wrong with a little sex in the McDonalds cooler now and then?20."My car needs washed."-Oh good,I've never had sex in an automatic car wash before.21."I'd feel slutty"-So,you probably should.22."I'm tired."-Ok,get a power nap and I'll watch TV till you get back.23."I have to take my clothes to the laundromat."Well aren't you going to need something fun to do while they wash?24."I'm meeting my friends tonight for dinner.I have to go."-Hmm...are your friends attractive?25."Sorry bye!*leaves*"-*Catches with rope.*You know the drill.26."Sorry I'm meeting the Epic tonight."-Ok,there really is nothing that will keep a woman from seeing me.27."I would much rather go out for dinner."-Ok,how about after that?28."Can't we do something else?"-Yes,but that's not the point.29."My favorite TV show is on."-You have Tivo bitch.30."I'm hunrgy."-How about eating a really big wiener?31."I have too much respect for myself to have sex at an early age."-I respect you enough to want in your pants.That deserves something.32."There's a good movie playing tonight."-Yeah,a nice dark place.Sounds kinky.33."No I hate you."-Well you can hate me and punish my peter any day of the week.34."I'm not in the mood."-Would you like a beer?35."Mommy,the strange man is scaring me."-Listen I have Jolly Ranchers,just get in the god damned van.36."I'm late for work."-Well since you're already in trouble you may as well have fun before you get yelled at.37."What do you think I am,some cheap slut?"-Ok maybe 10 was a little low,how about 100?38."I just took a shower."-But I bet you didn't take a golden shower.39."I appriciate dinner,but that doesn't mean I'll have sex with you."-Waiter,seperate checks please.40."Hold on,I have a phone call."-That's why they invented voicemail.41."Aren't you the kid that had his ass duct taped in the 11th grade?"-How'd you like to be the girl that got her ass taped into by *insert full name here*?42."I'm a nun."-(Ok,why you'd hit on a nun evades me,but oh well.)43."It's that time of the month."-...god damn it.44."I'm old enough to be your grandmother."-But you're not my grandmother so it's all good.45."What if my daughter walks in?"-I'm thinking we can keep this all in the family.46."Those people will be able to see us."-Oh,an audience.47."I don't want you to think I'm easy."-I don't care if you are,you're making my penis hard.48."Lets go golfing instead."-If we get lost in the wood I'll let you wash my balls.(I can't turn down a round of golf.)49."All you men care about is sex."-That's right,all of my caring is spent towards you.Don't you love me?50."I'm lesbien."-Turn off the lights,there will be no difference between me and the strap on.There you are.50 ways you'll be having sex in no time.These are not guarenteed to work,but how could they not?I may come out with another one of these,I don't know yet. About the Author The Epic is the owner of a personal site called the Epic Zone.You can visit by going to theepiczone.com.Feel free to use this article on a site or in a newsletter,but make sure to link to theepiczone.com and give proper credit.You can contact The Epic at theepic@theepiczone.com
25 Reasons You Might Need to Wear a Welding Helmet
http://www.conradarticledirectory.com/article12888.html
A welding helmet is a safety device worn for protection while one is welding; however, there are definitely many other uses for a welding helmet. A welding helmet is a very practical that should be found in every home. Here are just a few ways you might find yourself in need of a welding helmet:1. You can't find your bike helmet.2. You lost your Darth Vader mask on the opening day of a Star Wars movie. A welding helmet is a good substitute; however, you will have to mimic the Darth Vader breathing noises yourself.3. You do not know your science very well but you think it would be cool to make your own fireworks.4. You are scared of identity theft.5. You wear a welding helmet in hopes of attracting women, making it clear to them that you are manly and can fix things.6. You want to reenact the opening credits from The Simpson's and you are playing the part of Homer in thenuclear power plant (in this case, you will also need a glow stick). 7. You think that cartoons are real and there is a possibility of an anvil dropping from the sky.8. If people who look at you turn into stone then you might want to wear a welding helmet.9. You want to give your kids a punishment they won't forget and decide to make them wear the welding helmet to school for a week.10. If you are scared of the sun giving you wrinkles or skin cancer, you could use a welding helmet to protect yourself from the sun's harmful rays.11. You have horrendously bad breath and/or forgot to put you makeup on.12. You can't find your sunglasses.13. You are someone who always wants to be on top of fashion and thinks that welding helmets could be the new thing.14. You are sick of relatives pinching your cheeks at family reunions.15. You are a celebrity and you don't want the paparazzi taking any pictures of you.16. You are sick of shallow people falling for you because of your looks and want people to like you for your witty humor. Wearing a welding helmet would definitely be a way to see if that special someone likes you because of your personality.17. You think that the end of the world is near and somehow a welding helmet will save you.18. You want people to think that you are weird, have learning problems, or that you are half man and half machine.19. You want to do your own rendition of Phantom of the Opera called Phantom of the Tool Shed.20. You think that your partner in your science lab class secretly wants to destroy you.21. You had an extremely bad haircut.22. You think you are like Cyclops from X-Men and you have uncontrollable optic blasts from your eyes.23. You want to scare little children. (Carrying a blow torch and laughing will also help you in this goal).24. You don't ever want to have a boyfriend/girlfriend.25. And I guess you might possibly want a welding helmet if you think you will possibly be welding something anytime soon. These are just a few of the reasons that it is probably a good idea for you to wear a welding helmet. After you get your own welding helmet, I am sure that you will find this list to be very limited and you will find thousands of other uses for it. About the Author Kaitlin Carruth is a client account specialist with 10x Marketing - More Visitors. More Buyers. More Revenue. For more information about welding helmets, please visit Tool America.
A welding helmet is a safety device worn for protection while one is welding; however, there are definitely many other uses for a welding helmet. A welding helmet is a very practical that should be found in every home. Here are just a few ways you might find yourself in need of a welding helmet:1. You can't find your bike helmet.2. You lost your Darth Vader mask on the opening day of a Star Wars movie. A welding helmet is a good substitute; however, you will have to mimic the Darth Vader breathing noises yourself.3. You do not know your science very well but you think it would be cool to make your own fireworks.4. You are scared of identity theft.5. You wear a welding helmet in hopes of attracting women, making it clear to them that you are manly and can fix things.6. You want to reenact the opening credits from The Simpson's and you are playing the part of Homer in thenuclear power plant (in this case, you will also need a glow stick). 7. You think that cartoons are real and there is a possibility of an anvil dropping from the sky.8. If people who look at you turn into stone then you might want to wear a welding helmet.9. You want to give your kids a punishment they won't forget and decide to make them wear the welding helmet to school for a week.10. If you are scared of the sun giving you wrinkles or skin cancer, you could use a welding helmet to protect yourself from the sun's harmful rays.11. You have horrendously bad breath and/or forgot to put you makeup on.12. You can't find your sunglasses.13. You are someone who always wants to be on top of fashion and thinks that welding helmets could be the new thing.14. You are sick of relatives pinching your cheeks at family reunions.15. You are a celebrity and you don't want the paparazzi taking any pictures of you.16. You are sick of shallow people falling for you because of your looks and want people to like you for your witty humor. Wearing a welding helmet would definitely be a way to see if that special someone likes you because of your personality.17. You think that the end of the world is near and somehow a welding helmet will save you.18. You want people to think that you are weird, have learning problems, or that you are half man and half machine.19. You want to do your own rendition of Phantom of the Opera called Phantom of the Tool Shed.20. You think that your partner in your science lab class secretly wants to destroy you.21. You had an extremely bad haircut.22. You think you are like Cyclops from X-Men and you have uncontrollable optic blasts from your eyes.23. You want to scare little children. (Carrying a blow torch and laughing will also help you in this goal).24. You don't ever want to have a boyfriend/girlfriend.25. And I guess you might possibly want a welding helmet if you think you will possibly be welding something anytime soon. These are just a few of the reasons that it is probably a good idea for you to wear a welding helmet. After you get your own welding helmet, I am sure that you will find this list to be very limited and you will find thousands of other uses for it. About the Author Kaitlin Carruth is a client account specialist with 10x Marketing - More Visitors. More Buyers. More Revenue. For more information about welding helmets, please visit Tool America.
12 Goofy Ways to Stay Safe and Healthy in Today's Hazardous
By: Joe Hickman, Copyright 2005
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- Stop breathing ozone immediately. You know you can if you try.- Do not strike matches near an open nuclear power plant.- Do not rub either your scalp or your bosom with the latest scientific breakthrough.- Never sit next to strangers in movie theaters, churches, or hot tubs.- Never ride with a teenager wearing a Dukes of Hazzard T-shirt.- Do not store feminine hygiene products in a microwave oven.- Avoid harmful fats -- particularly those name Gloria.- Never go swimming immediately after eating a day-old tuna and mayo sandwich.- Avoid death-defying rides at amusement parks -- especially those that have carried 10 million people without an accident.- Avoid wearing tight designer jeans, since the dye used in some designer labels, when sat on by laboratory rats, caused dishpan tail.- Avoid medical care by licensed physicians. Even if the treatment causes no harmful side-effects, the bill can prove fatal.- Be satisfied with what you have. Stay away from pyramid parties, gurus, Nigerian email offers, and marriage counselors.Follow the wise though goofy suggestions above and you will have an excellent chance at survival. But just in case, always wear clean underwear. About the Author Joe Hickman, a veteran writer for comedians and public speakers, is editor of HaLife.com
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- Stop breathing ozone immediately. You know you can if you try.- Do not strike matches near an open nuclear power plant.- Do not rub either your scalp or your bosom with the latest scientific breakthrough.- Never sit next to strangers in movie theaters, churches, or hot tubs.- Never ride with a teenager wearing a Dukes of Hazzard T-shirt.- Do not store feminine hygiene products in a microwave oven.- Avoid harmful fats -- particularly those name Gloria.- Never go swimming immediately after eating a day-old tuna and mayo sandwich.- Avoid death-defying rides at amusement parks -- especially those that have carried 10 million people without an accident.- Avoid wearing tight designer jeans, since the dye used in some designer labels, when sat on by laboratory rats, caused dishpan tail.- Avoid medical care by licensed physicians. Even if the treatment causes no harmful side-effects, the bill can prove fatal.- Be satisfied with what you have. Stay away from pyramid parties, gurus, Nigerian email offers, and marriage counselors.Follow the wise though goofy suggestions above and you will have an excellent chance at survival. But just in case, always wear clean underwear. About the Author Joe Hickman, a veteran writer for comedians and public speakers, is editor of HaLife.com
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
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